What Does a Doula Look Like in Surrogacy? A Love Letter to the Journey

Hi, I’m Dori—a labor and postpartum doula, partner to my incredible wife Sarah, and proud witness to one of the most transformative journeys we’ve ever taken: surrogacy.

Sarah gave birth to a surrogate baby in March, and we’re about to begin our second journey with the same beautiful family. But before I dive into what a doula does and how we show up in surrogacy, let me take you back to where it all began.

The Beginning: Hannah Montana and Belly Buddies

When Sarah first told me she wanted to be a surrogate, I said, “Hell yes!” I mean—money, and I don’t have to be pregnant? Alexa, play Best of Both Worlds. Of course I was going to support her dreams, but I had no idea how deeply I’d fall in love with the process myself.

We’d been married almost three years when we started. I was pregnant with our youngest, and we made a deal: no overlapping pregnancies. Once I gave birth, we picked the journey back up.

We expected to match with a couple in the U.S. dealing with infertility. Instead, we matched with a same-sex couple halfway across the world—and we adored them instantly. Coffee lovers, Disney fans, foodies, adventurers? Sign us up.

Funny enough, when we filled out our profile, we said we didn’t want ongoing contact or pictures after the birth. Now? We talk to our IPs daily. We cry over baby photos. We miss them when they’re gone. That little girl was always theirs—we just had the honor of protecting her for a few months.

The Real Work Begins

Once we matched, the legal process kicked off. Honestly? It was the most uncomfortable part. We’re not money-talk people, but we wanted to be fair and clear. It felt like it took a year, but really it was just a few weeks.

Then came the meds—Sarah’s least favorite part. Painful injections, bumps, and two trips to the fertility clinic in Idaho. But we got through it. The day we found out we were pregnant with our belly buddy? Pure joy. We video-called the dads and watched the pregnancy test turn positive together. Their faces lit up. We cried. It was magic.

Pregnancy, Ice Cream, and Induction

The pregnancy itself was smooth. We talked to the dads daily, ate a lot of ice cream, and dreamed about the birth. Because they were flying in from overseas, they stayed for a month—and we got to know them over coffee and quiet mornings.

We induced a week early to make sure they wouldn’t miss the birth. But once we got to the hospital, we realized we hadn’t talked about how involved they wanted to be. They hovered outside the door, unsure. We were unsure. That uncertainty? It doesn’t belong in a birth space. I wish we’d had someone to guide us through it.

Still, Sarah rocked that birth. Eight centimeters, no epidural, equipment issues galore—but she listened to her body and delivered with zero fear and so much love. I’ve never been prouder.

The dads stood at the head of the bed, holding her shoulder and each other. When the baby was born, we all cried. Sarah asked for ice cream. And then—we slept. No crying baby. No breastfeeding. Just rest. That’s the biggest difference from having your own child. We were discharged within 24 hours and spent the next week soaking up baby snuggles with the dads.

“Wasn’t That Sad?”

People always ask if it was sad. Honestly? No. That baby was never ours. She was theirs from the beginning. We were just the guardians of her journey into the world. And now, we’re preparing to do it again—with a tiny baby boy joining their perfect family.

So… What Does a Doula Look Like In Surrogacy?

A doula looks like me. Like you. Like anyone with a servant’s heart.

There are many kinds of doulas—birth, postpartum, death, sexual assault—but today, I want to talk about what a birth and postpartum doula can do in a surrogacy journey.

As a doula, I bring both sides together. I teach the surrogate about body autonomy—because carrying someone else’s baby doesn’t mean you lose your voice. You get to decide what your journey, labor, and birth look like.

Then I meet with the intended parents (IPs) to learn what they want. After that, we all come together to discuss preferences. Are the IPs comfortable being in the room? Is the surrogate okay with that? These things are often in the legal agreement, but they deserve deeper conversation.

We talk about labor—what it does to the body, what comfort measures are available—and I teach both parties how to use them. This is the surrogate’s chance to say who she wants touching her, supporting her, or if she has no preference.

During Labor and After Birth

When labor begins, I’m in the room. I’m the neutral guide making sure everyone feels safe, supported, and included. The support person is crucial—because their presence helps oxytocin flow, and oxytocin is the MVP of birth.

After the birth, I stay for an hour or two to check in emotionally. We laugh, cry, and reflect on the magic. Within a week, I meet with both parties again to make sure everyone’s okay and my support is no longer needed.

If the IPs want postpartum support, I’m there. If the surrogate needs continued care, I’m there too—just in a different way. We tailor it together.

Birth Should Be Empowering

Surrogacy is a massive life transition for both the IPs and the surrogate. It can be beautiful, loving, and one of the best experiences of your life. My job is to make sure you look back and say, “I want to do that again… and I want Dori with me.”